I said earlier that I don't regret my marriage ending.
Some of you may already be up in arms about that. It's okay. I can explain. I think.
Basically, it was not a healthy relationship and it's better that it ended.
I do have regrets relating to it, but I'm no longer sad that it ended.
Regret #1: Neither of us knew about mental health
I was first diagnosed with depression in January 2010. Knowing what I know now, I'd had it at least two and a half years already. But neither I nor my family knew that at the time. Well, they might have thought so, but I had no idea. I knew I sometimes was in a really bad mood and nothing could cheer me up. That became all I knew of depression.
A lot of people like to draw a parallel between mental health and diabetes. It's ongoing, needs to be managed properly to avoid catastrophe, and sometimes (but not always) requires medication. Ironically, my ex is diabetic. He hated that about himself. He rebelled against it. He was diagnosed with that just over a month before we started dating. We learned together.
Neither of us bothered to learn about depression. Or anxiety, which was kind of lumped in to my diagnosis. Again, with what I know now, I'd had general anxiety at least five years, OCD at least eight. But they were all in my head. I just needed to be strong and control myself. That's what I told myself, and therefore what some people around me repeated.
It's easy to fall into those lies. But lies they are.
Regret #2: Our relationship lasted longer than it should have
Our interests had developed, as those of young adults do, and they had diverged. I don't know about him, but I know I made the conscious decision that "this can work as long as we're both willing to work for it," without stopping to evaluate whether or not it was actually a good idea. I like patterns, sometimes to keep to them rigidly (OCD, remember) and sometimes to purposely break out of them to see what happens and what sort of reactions I get. This was a pattern I kept.
Keeping him meant doing things he liked. I did things we used to enjoy together, and he considered that "humouring me." The things I'd always liked and he never had were things that I let slip, usually, for the sake of being with him. I didn't really notice this happening for the most part, until I looked back and wondered what had happened to my hobbies.
I'm making this sound like a one-sided relationship. That's not my intent. We both felt we were making sacrifices for the other. I, however, can only write my side.
A little over halfway through our marriage, however, it did become one-sided. He has since told me this. He decided he wanted out, but hated making waves. So he started doing little things, and then bigger things, trying to get me to be the one to leave him. Unfortunately for him, I'm one of the most stubborn people I know. I was miserable, but my misery was familiar, so I kept it. As one of my favourite songs goes, "depression's like a big fur coat, it's made of dead things but it keeps me warm. (Icon For Hire - Iodine)
Regret #3: The ungraceful ending
I lied to people I loved, saying that everything was fine when it wasn't.
Then I went back and said it wasn't fine, but I didn't say how not-fine it was.
By the time we asked for help, he was done and just going along with it to placate me.
I was desperately grabbing for anything I could, like Mufasa just before he died (spoiler alert?).
I forgot what the truth was. I said what first came to mind. There are some relationships I had that haven't been the same since.
People sometimes ask me if I miss him. That's a very weird question. It sounds like a simple binary question, but "yes" sounds defeated and hopeless, while "no" feels cold and callous.
I miss what we had.
I miss how we felt.
I miss being able to trust people when they say they'll never leave.
But I don't miss the mind games.
I don't miss being blamed for my depression.
I don't miss feeling like I was the reason his life was difficult, and if I disappeared, everything would be okay.
Do I miss him?
No, because I know who he turned into, and I cannot be healthy in that atmosphere.
Do I regret marrying him?
Yes, because I was already working hard to make it work before then, and wasn't ready for bigger problems ahead.
No, because that level of pain and heartbreak was necessary to push me to finally get the help I'd needed for over five years.
Do I wish things had gone differently?
Some days. Really, though, the only path I know the ending to is the one I'm on. Changing something way back then could mean I'm still sitting around feeling guilty for feeling lazy because of my depression. The road has, by no means, been easy, but that doesn't mean I'd change it.
Am I happy with where I'm at now?
Yes.
It's not perfect, but life isn't. My family understands, my significant other understands, and I understand that sometimes I just need a hug and some chocolate, but not all problems are that simple. If I need to talk, I talk. If I don't, then I don't. I'm quite lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.
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