How to be Helpful : A Step-by-Step Guide

Whether you see someone crying at the bus stop or struggling to carry some groceries, you might want to help. Whether you know the person or not, here is what I believe to be the best way to be helpful.

1. Ask if they would like help. If they say no, feel good about having offered and go on with your day. If they say no but seem to be distressed, it might be okay if you wait a bit and then ask if they're sure. Either way, no means no. Forcing someone to let you help them isn't actually helpful.
1. Caveat: If they're going to physically harm themself or someone(s) else, you may force help upon them
2. If they agree to your help, ask them how they would like you to help them. Would they like a hug? Would they like to talk? Would they like you to open the door for them, or carry something?
3. When they indicate that your helpfulness has run its course, be on your way. Again, politely offering to help further can be okay, but don't force yourself on the person.

Physical help: I don't know how many times I've been taking my time on some stairs with a heavy suitcase and someone has come along and grabbed it out of my hand with no explanation. I find it really frustrating. I understand (once they set it down and don't run away with my stuff) that they're only trying to help, however:

• What if I was taking my time because I knew there was something super fragile in there and was trying to be careful to not jostle it? You didn't stop to ask, you just grabbed my stuff and did what you saw fit.
• I like the sense of accomplishment I get from being self-sufficient. Even if a task would be easier with help, it isn't as rewarding. (This does, of course, depend on the task.)

As for mental/emotional help: There have been times that I've had a bit of a mind melt in which I get overwhelmed, usually by negative emotions. In those instances, I'm having enough trouble sorting out what's going on inside my own head without having to worry about what I'm saying to another person, and, trust me, if I can't explain it adequately, your advice is likely going to come off as an empty platitude. "It'll get better in time" is one of my least favourite phrases. It's so vanilla, common, generic, etc. that it's hard to tell if you were even listening.

PS. Advice isn't always what someone wants when they talk about a problem. Sometimes they just need to vent, releasing pressure so they can then tackle the problem on their own with a clear head. Sometimes they want validation, because they might feel like their emotions aren't logical (or they might have been told that). If you're going to listen, it's a good idea to ask what you're listening for.

If they want advice, tell them what you might do (but not what they need to do).

If they're venting, just listen quietly until the emotions have calmed.

If they seem unsure of themself, emulating their emotion back at them will feel good.

PPS. As usual, this tends to vary by person. I'd encourage asking them if what you're doing is appropriate, at least until you get a feel for what's needed.

TL;DR Don't assume people need help. Ask them if they want it, and how you can best help.