Decisions, Decisions

I've never met someone who likes making decisions. Like, avidly seeks them out, saying things like "I wonder what kind of choices I'll get to make today." So, it should come to no surprise to anybody that I don't like them, because you probably don't either.

Well, I figured something out this morning, while lying in bed awake for a few hours.

Hours?

Yes, hours. You see, there was this choice I had to make: is it worthwhile to get out of bed?

What kind of choice is that? It's the kind of choice I'm faced with multiple times a day. Not because I find myself in bed that often, but because my brain breaks things down so minutely that any little action takes a large number of decisions.

Do I want to get out of bed?
Should I shower? Do I have time to shower?
If yes, should I wash my hair?
A washing-hair-shower takes more energy than a non-washing-hair-shower. Do I have that much energy? What about time?
What should I wear?
How hungry am I?
Do I need to eat before the shower or can it wait until after?
What do I feel like eating?
Do I have the time/energy/necessary foodstuffs to eat that?

Most people, from what I understand, have a fairly routine morning. Most of these decisions are already made, and they can go through them in an almost zombie-like state. I will admit, I'm jealous of these people. Even when I worked a full-time, regular schedule job, these decisions were problematic.

Do I have time to press snooze?
I can either press snooze or shower. Do I really need that shower?
I pressed snooze the last three days. I feel gross. But bed is comfy.
I can either press snooze or make coffee. There's coffee at work, but I still need to get there first.
I can either press snooze or eat breakfast. I need to eat. My stomach's already growling. But that means getting out of bed. Bed is comfy.
I can either press snooze or be on time for work. Shit. I went too far again.

The frequency with which I found myself getting out of bed and out the door within 10min is actually kind of embarrassing. Also kind of prideful. It's strange. Like, it feels like a superpower that I don't want, and knowing it's there makes the decisions even harder tomorrow.

The decisions, unfortunately, don't stop when I finally find myself out of bed and ready to go.

Let's say I have social plans, like, say, coffee with a friend.
Do I keep them? I want to see my friend. I like coffee.
Do I cancel? It means not having to go out. I can save my energy for other things. I'm sure they'll understand.
Typically, I try to arrange to have people met me at my place. Then they can come in or we can go out, but the initial "ugh, I have to leave my house" is avoided, and plans are therefore more likely to be followed through. However, then I feel the need to look at my place and evaluate how clean it is, compared to how clean I'd like it to be for my friend.
Do I spend my time cleaning? Do I bake something? Baking makes more of a mess, but tastes good.

As you can see, there is an utterly paralyzing number of decisions to make every single day.

But why?
Why am I like this?
Are you like this?
Am I just being over-dramatic and blowing things out of proportion? Maybe, but I don't think so.

Also, going back to the very beginning of this, what did I figure out this morning?

There's a strong correlation between depression and laziness. Strong enough, in fact, that a lot of people can't tell which label fits them.
But depression isn't laziness. At least, that's what my doctors and counsellors tell me.

What do I think? Depression is your brain playing devil's advocate on every decision I make. That's why they feel so big.
"If you wear that shirt today, you won't be able to wear it to [thing] later this week. We both know you won't be doing laundry before then."
"If you have chocolate cake for breakfast, you're not getting proper nourishment. But Cheerios don't taste as good. You haven't made muffins, so those will take forever." It's frequently easier to just not eat.
"If you stay in bed, you'll be warm and cozy, but feel guilty for all of those things you had time for and didn't accomplish."

I already know that depression means my brain is sick. It's literally called a "mental illness". That means it's not working right, which could be said either as "it's not working" or "it's working wrong". Therefore, rather than streamlining the decision-making process to make it as quick and painless as possible, it does the opposite. It balloons every decision until the thought of getting out of bed in the morning is overwhelming, so I don't. But then I feel guilty, because I wanted to do things and didn't. So I get mad at myself. So the depression gets stronger.
And the cycle continues.
And worsens.
Strengthening.
Repeating.
Until someone makes a decision for me. And suddenly the whole thing stops dead, awaiting my brains response. Accept or explode?
But that's just a yes or no.
A binary choice.
Monosyllabic.
And that is something I can handle.