To start counselling, we each, separately, did a multiple choice exam (90+ questions I think), during which we were not allowed to communicate with the other person. It was done online, the site gave the data to our counsello r, so they'd know what to focus on.
It was very detailed. Like, 25 page report detailed. (If you're curious, we used Prepare Enrich.) One of the first things to discuss in the report is assertiveness, which is defined in the report as comfort level expressing thoughts and feelings and asking for what the person wants in the relationship (Report pg 6).
One could reasonably expect that the person struggling with multiple anxiety disorders and depression would have trouble with this area, and the person who shows no sign of such struggles would likely be fine, yes? Nope. He had done what he could to make me feel comfortable around him, and my family encouraged open and honest communication, so I had no trouble there. His family, however, was a bit more concerned with appearances and, as such, had a bit more trouble feeling comfortable being honest with each other.
Yes, I'm drawing a strong correlation there.
If you are concerned with everyone thinking that you know what you're doing and everything's going well, then you're not going to feel comfortable admitting to things that go against this, and honesty isn't just about not lying, it's about telling the whole truth.
If you can admit you've got a problem, then you can admit you might need help with it. Getting help works toward fixing the problem so it no longer exists, or at least is much more manageable. If, however, you can't admit that you have a problem, then not only are you not getting help, you're also more likely to be less dedicated to fixing it, preferring to ignore its existence altogether.
Consider a loaf of bread in a bag.
It's been sitting out for a week now, long enough that it might have grown a spot or two of mold. There are two options:
- Assume nothing's wrong and eat it.
- Admit that it might be moldy and allow yourself to check. If it's not moldy, eat it. If it is, throw it out.
Alternatively, option 3: assume it's bad and throw it out without checking. That doesn't really fit in my analogy though, so we're going to ignore option 3.
If you've grown up eating moldy bread and pretending it's good bread, then you're not going to say anything when the bread goes bad (or maybe you've stopped eating bread altogether, but again, that doesn't fit here). If, however, you're used to throwing out bread when you see mold on it, then you will.
If both people in a relationship quietly eat moldy bread, someone's going to get sick, and nothing will change.
If both people check the bread, neither of them eats moldy bread and they're likely a bit more relaxed about the whole bread situation.
If one person checks the bread and the other just eats it, it is not going to end well, for many reasons.
- "Stop throwing out perfectly good bread!"
- "Your eating habits make me sick!" Seriously, moldy bread is gross. Don't eat it.
- One person is quietly suffering while the other isn't, which can build resentment.
- The one throwing out the bread is in control of how long the bread lasts. This can lead to an imbalance of power.
It's about more than just the bread. It started with the bread, yes, but once negative feelings start building they can breed faster than rabbits. What started as "they threw out my bread" can turn into "I do everything for them and they take me for granted," and nobody wants to feel like that.
Check the bread.
Talk about the bread.
If it's moldy, for goodness' sake, throw it out.
But, most importantly, listen to what the other person says about the bread. It'll give you insight on other things too.
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