Yes, I'm likely going to offend you. I'm sorry (not really). If you can't handle other peoples' opinions on serious matters, please, for the love of [insert what you love here], stop reading this blog. Or at least this post. Please.
If you struggle with thoughts of suicide, this post is quite likely to trigger you. I recommend you also stop reading here.
To the one person still reading, here we go.
I'm not currently, but I have been suicidal in my life. (Big surprise, right?) I've also been told that such actions are incredibly selfish. Some people even go so far as to say it's the most selfish thing you can do. Those people need to never talk to me. Ever. I have no words for you.
The fact that you would see someone so hopeless in life, and try to push guilt on them... just wow.
"I'm not trying to-" Bullshit. Calling someone selfish is not a compliment.
If you're trying to get someone to change their mind, great. But don't take a desperate person and give them more negativity. That's literally the last thing they could ever need.
I'm an atychiphobe. I also have arsonphobia (fire), gephyrophobia (bridges), mild arachnophobia (spiders). But I am an atychiphobe.
Did you notice the different wordings I used? Three of them, yes I deal with. One of them defines me. I don't like it, and I try not to let it, but it is utterly crippling. I absolutely cannot handle the thought of possibly letting anyone down. Atychiphobia: Fear of failure. So yes, if you come up to me, an atychiphobe, and tell me that killing myself will disappoint everyone around me, that will cause me to pause. However, the only reason I was considering it in the first place is that I was utterly exhausted from trying to keep everyone else happy. I live my life trying to make the lives of others easier. Could they not allow me this one? Adding guilt to the exhaustion was only making me more desperate to find a way out.
"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I'd been severely depressed for a few years. My husband had just left me. I had no job. I had moved back into my parents' basement. That's a lot of problems, each of which take a lot of effort to weather. It doesn't exactly feel 'temporary' in the middle of it.
And yet, here I am today. Not a scar on my wrist, no actual attempts of suicide in my past. How?
Simple. Believe it or not, not everyone in this world is a jackass.
Some people took the time to listen to what was going on, hugged me when I needed it, and helped me celebrate the small victories. Yes, it felt stupid sometimes, to reward myself with a chocolate bar for getting off of the couch. However, positive reinforcement was what I needed to remind myself of why I do things.
Was it easy for them? Hell no. I woke up a couple of times with my mother curled up at the foot of my couch, because she'd been unable to relax without being able to keep an eye on me and make sure I was safe. I had friends dropping what they were doing and coming to pick me up when I was walking down the street and decided that I wanted to step out into traffic.
But they never let me feel like a burden.
They made it clear to me that what they were doing to help was entirely their choice, and they made that choice because they wanted to continue to have me in their life.
Now I have a wonderful significant other who reminds me every day how much we mean to each other. If I leave, not only am I letting them down, but also myself.
I'm no longer at risk, but I know people who are. To them I've always said: my phone is almost always on (sometimes I do go to movies, and sometimes I forget to charge it, but I try to be available). If you need to talk, call me. If you feel bad waking me up, text me.
One of my favourite quotes that helped me through this: Life is tough but so are you.
I'd been through a fair bit. But my survival rate thus far was 100%, and that's pretty damn good.
And two songs that I'd listen to on repeat for hours on end when the night was darkest:
Memphis May Fire: Divinity (Christian Screamo)
Icon For Hire: Invincible (Electronic Pop meets Alternative Rock?)
Lifeline (an American suicide prevention organization with a toll-free number and online help)
1-800-273-8255
Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) has a list of local crisis lines, and a toll-free number
1-888-353-2273
You're not alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment