Forgiving Without Forgetting

"Hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone that you don't like" ~ Clara Oswald, Mummy on the Orient Express (Doctor Who 2005 reboot, season 8 episode 8)


When my ex and I first discussed separating, I was fine. As it started to sink in, I was most definitely not. I had told him up front that if he wanted to split, he needed to do the paperwork and everything, but I wouldn't argue. Meanwhile, I did everything I could think of to convince him to reconsider.

Eventually, I moved out of our apartment and in with some friends. Having that level of space from things allowed my brain the room it needed to process things. That became on of my most emotionally volatile times. I hated him, I loved him, I took all of the blame and none of it. It was very confusing for me.

This was also my first ever breakup.

I decided that, until our divorce was finalized, if he came back, I would agree to try to make things work. I'd said "for better or worse", and this was worse. Once it was final, however, he would be completely out of my life.

It has become final, and I've done my best to keep to what I said. However, we were in a relationship for over 20% of my life. It was my first romantic relationship. It's not as easy as deciding that someone's out of your life to get them out.

I've only run into him once in the past 3 years (not bad, considering we live in the same city). It sent me for a bit of a tailspin. It was just a few weeks ago. We happened to be at the same bus stop for maybe as long as five minutes. Everything I'd wanted to say to him over the past three years came to mind. Not a word was said.

I've had people tell me I'm strong, and that I've handled this whole mess really well. Honestly, I'm glad someone thinks so. I certainly don't. On the flip side, however, I've had other people come up to me and say that they hate him for what he did to me. I don't have the energy for that.

Looking back, that period of massive emotional volatility is what got me dealing with my depression first, and then my anxiety. Until then, I'd been in denial, thinking I could handle them without treatment.

Would I go through it all again?

I have no idea. Hopefully I'll never have to make that decision. What I gained from the experience has been incredibly valuable, but I traded a large portion of mental health and stability. I still get anxious in my current relationship because I'm scared that I'll do something wrong and be alone again. We've talked about it. He has assured me it won't happen. But so did my ex. On our honeymoon, when I was having trouble and freaking out, I asked if he would like an annulment, and he said "There's nothing you could do to make me stop loving you." Not the first or the last time he said that. Funny thing, now I have more trouble believing such things.

There are days that I can forgive my ex, focus on the positive learning and growing that came out of what happened, and be happy with where I'm at. There are also days that that is significantly more difficult. But I'll never forget.

Because I can't.

If I forget what happened, then I risk losing what I gained from it, and I don't want to go back to that.

So I remember. I remember the good and the bad. I remember the mistakes I've made and learn from them. I remember how I've been mistreated and strive to not do so to others. I remember what it looked like to be in an unhealthy relationship and do my best to make sure I never end up there again.

Forgiving takes strength.

Forgetting is a weakness.

I'm choosing to be strong.