I'm not sure if I'll ever get over how much weight some people put on appearances. I'm sorry, but it's just so contrary to how I was raised, and it looks so dangerous. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it when things look good, but that's more of a bonus to me.
And yet....
I do have an interest in fashion. I like to like how I look. I've discovered this in the past few years. Before then, I considered anything along those lines to be vanity. There's a difference. Being able to look my reflection in the eye without hating myself is a wonderful feeling. But it doesn't overshadow being honest with myself.
How I look is a reflection of how I feel. There are days that I don't have the energy to wear lipstick, so I don't put it on. There are also days on which I'm relaxed and just don't feel a need for lipstick. Same with wearing heels. If I'm feeling too shy, and am lacking the confidence to put any minuscule amount of strut in my step, then I can't wear them. If I'm feeling relaxed, then I don't want to wear them. But they are plenty fun to wear when I do. I've walked 20km in heels "because why not" (and only regretted the last 5km).
So what do I consider "too much weight" on appearances?
When everything has to look perfect, whether you're feeling it or not. Let me explain.
When my ex and I were still together, before either of us had started college, one Sunday after lunch at his family's house I was waiting for him so we could leave for work. He came out of the house and passed on a message from his mother: I was not welcome back at their house until I took better care of my hair.
I tended, in those days, to tie my hair back without brushing it most days. I was told that, if I came in looking like that to the baby's ward at the hospital, where she worked, there was a strong chance I would no longer have a baby.
I was enraged. So, I did what made sense to me. I agreed to not go back to their house until I got an apology.
Eventually, there were complaints that they never saw me anymore. I was confused. I was respecting their wishes, and not coming back. I was then told I was being immature and taking things too far.
I never did get an apology.
A few years later, we went to get engagement photos taken. I asked him what I should wear, if he had any preferences, and then dressed accordingly.
The first comment anyone in his family had, upon seeing the pictures, was that my jeans were ripped. They'd known me four years at this point. They should have, I think, been able to get used to the fact that I liked ripped jeans, in four years.
Still, if I reacted to any of this, it was me being immature and oversensitive.
To my past self:
If you're with someone, and they love you, and they see how miserable other people are making you, it's not unreasonable to expect them to stand up for you. If you just accept it as "this is how it goes" then it's going to continue to be painful. You don't have to ask them to choose between you and their family, but just to find a way to let their family know that such comments are hurtful and could they please stop. If they instead choose to stand up to you and say that this is just how their family is, then maybe there isn't room for you in that family, and maybe it's time to remove yourself from a toxic situation.
You deserve to feel comfortable when surrounded by family, yours or theirs. That might take some compromise, but it has to go both ways. If you're the only one changing, it's not compromise.
Love yourself, even when it's hard.
~me
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