Christmas Time

Hello!

Long time no see! Apologies for that, but, as we all know, holidays can get very busy. I'm still here and trying to keep this thing going, but I don't need any more stress, so I'm not allowing myself to stress over it. Basically, if I post then yay, but if not then oh well.

I will be back more consistently in the new year :)

I hope you guys all have a wonderful holiday, whatever it is you celebrate. I celebrate Christmas and am quite looking forward to it :)

¡Hasta pronto!

~Pendragon

Coconut Date Balls

Naturally gluten-free, vegan, free of refined sugar, and still actually tasty!

Caution: High fiber. Eating too many can cause extended bathroom breaks. I don't recommend eating the whole batch in one sitting...

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 1/2 cup (1/4 lb) butter or margarine
• 1/2 lb dates, finely chopped
• 1 1/2 cups rice crisp cereal
• 1/2 cup nuts, chopped
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Shredded coconut (I use unsweetened)

Instructions:

1. In a saucepan, combine applesauce, butter, and dates.
2. Cook on low heat, stirring constantly.
3. When it's reached a boil, cook another 2 minutes, then remove from heat.
4. Add remaining ingredients, except coconut.
5. Once it's cool enough to handle, roll into little balls and roll the balls in coconut.

Ginger Molasses Cookies

Chewy and a little bit bitey, This is probably my favourite non-chocolate cookie. I think it's good year-round, but it's even better at Christmas!

Ingredients:

• 2/3 cup oil (something light and with minimal flavour, like vegetable oil)
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup molasses
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp baking soda
• 1 tbsp cinnamon
• 1 tbsp ginger
• 1/2 tsp salt
• optional: coarse white sugar for finishing

Instructions:

1. Thoroughly mix oil and sugar.
2. Mix in egg and molasses.
3. Roll into little balls. If desired, roll balls in coarse sugar.
4. Bake at 350 for 15min.

Flourless Chocolate Cake

I hate alternative flours.

Substituting things as structural as flour changes the end result, and, if I know what to expect and don't get it, I get really annoyed.

So

Whenever I'm asked to make something gluten-free, I look for flourless recipes.

This recipe works as cake or brownies. It's dense and moist and wonderful.


Ingredients

• 4oz (1/2 cup) semisweet chocolate (I've found chocolate chips to be cheaper than baker's chocolate; either works perfectly well.)
• 1/2 cup butter or margarine
• 3/4 cup white sugar
• 1/2 cup cocoa powder
• 3 eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla
• optional: 1 tbsp instant espresso (or any other instant coffee, but espresso is stronger!)

Instructions

1. Melt together the butter and cocoa. If you use a big enough double-boiler (or microwaveable bowl), this can also be your mixing bowl - fewer dishes to wash!
2. Mix in the remaining ingredients.
3. Bake at 300.
1. Cake: in a greased 8" round pan for 30-40min (Note: springforms work best for this recipe. It's not one to hold together super well if you try to lift it out of anything)
2. Cupcakes: in a lined muffin pan for 25-30min
3. Brownies: in a greased 7" square pan for 30-40min

Smooth Shortbread Cookies

This week will be a lot of recipes as I get into Christmas baking!

Some people prefer smooth shortbread and others gritty. I am on the smooth side.

Feel free to dress these up by rolling them in cocoa, sprinkles, coconut, or some other fine ingredient before baking. Just remember, sprinkles melt.

They hold their shape fairly well, as long as they're not opposing gravity. (They may droop as the butter melts, but they don't rise at all.) They're quick and easy to prep. If you're doing a bunch of baking, I'd recommend starting with these and using the bake time to prep the next thing(s).

Ingredients

• 2 cups (1 lb) butter
• 1 cup white sugar
• 4 cups all-purpose flour

Instructions

1. Cream together butter and sugar.
2. Mix in flour.
3. Bake at 325 for 30min.

For baking, there are a few options:

• Roll them into little balls
• Shape them
• Fill the cookie sheet, and then score/cut them as soon as they come out of the oven

You can also use 2 cups cocoa, 2 cups flour for dark chocolate shortbread, or 1 and 3 for a less cocoa-y taste (not sure why you'd want less cocoa, but some people apparently do.)

I've also been known to use finely ground herbs, like lavender, mixed in with the sugar, just to change it up a bit.

Tea Biscuits!

I find it annoying when basic tea biscuit recipes have sugar. It's fine for fruit and/or chocolate, but I don't want sweetened cheese biscuits. This recipe has no sugar, so it's good for sweet or savoury biscuits!

Ingredients

• 2 cups flour (I use whole wheat, feel free to use all purpose if you prefer)
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/2 cup (1/4 lb) butter or margarine
• 3/4 cup milk (non-dairy alternatives work fine)

Instructions

1. Combine the dry ingredients.
2. Mix in butter. It should be a crumbly mixture.
3. Slowly stir in the milk.
4. Mix in whatever excitement you'd like.
5. Roll into balls (a bit smaller than 1/4 cup).
6. Bake at 400 for 15min, or until they're slightly browned and not squishy.

Avoidance and Other (Not) Useful Strategies

Dealing with mental illness requires help. I've done a program, am doing another, seen a few different counselors, am on medication, and check in regularly with my doctor. I'm using this blog both to express myself and to hopefully help other people to deal with their mental health in a constructive way. I've amassed a number of strategies, some of which I've already shared, some of which I'm sharing now, and some I will share eventually.

The program I'm in right now (Bounce Back) has me going through areas of my life and figuring out where the anxiety pops up (or depression, but we're focusing on anxiety) so that we can change behaviours and deal with problems, eventually hopefully building up the skills to get to the big issues.

In the program, I've learned that a few of my behaviours that I'd thought were helpful were actually harmful.

I like making lists, so here's a list of the aforementioned behaviours that feel good and/or helpful but aren't always:

• Avoiding situations, objects, places, etc. (as alluded to in another post I made)
• It feels good and safe, but it reinforces the thinking in your brain that you can't handle it, thereby making it harder to handle.
• Not being honest with others
• Telling people what they want to hear feels good, because you make them happy. However, if they find out, it can erode trust. 
• Looking to others to sort things out for you
• Thoughts of "It's too much to handle. I can't deal with this right now." again reinforce to your brain that you can't handle things, which makes things harder to handle.
• Not taking buses/taxis/cars/etc. where you feel enclosed and it's difficult to escape.
• "As long as I can get from point A to B, how I get there isn't the problem, right?" If you're actively avoiding something that would make your life easier, then you're making your life harder.
• Stopping attending religious services, night classes, or social events because it's just too much
• These are the things that make life feel more worthwhile to some. Removing them might feel safe, but it can devoid your life of meaning and fulfillment.

Some of these are ones I personally struggle with. Mostly the last three, though I have done the first two more than I'd care to admit. They are more readily recognizable as bad behaviours, at least to me.

I'm not saying you need to stop doing all of these right now.

That is a bad idea.

Pick one. Break it into manageable steps. If it's not manageable, break it down farther. Make goals. Work on it. (I'm basically telling you exactly what I was told.) When you're feeling better about that, then pick something else. Don't overwhelm yourself, but be ready to push through the feeling of not wanting to do things. Pushing is how you grow, like a weed in a sidewalk. It starts small, but with a persistent effort, it can make a healthy living for itself even in an inhospitable environment.

So can we.

Personal anecdote time! So, a little over three years ago, I was at work one day and I had the overwhelming urge pop into my head that when I got home I was going to cut myself. Not kill myself, just a small cut. It manifested itself deep inside my skull. I found myself scratching at my wrist until it was red and hot to the touch. My parents picked me up from work that day. I got a doctor's note for the next couple of days. It ended up being my last day at that job. (It was not a good job. My doctor, without saying I should quit (as she's not allowed to do so) did say it wouldn't be a bad idea.)

Since then, I've been very careful in handling knives. Some days I can handle them fine, other days I can't.

This developed into aichmophobia (eye-kmuh-phobia), a fear of knives. On particularly rough days, I wouldn't trust myself to enter a kitchen.

Three years later I'm mostly better, but still feel the occasional catch in my throat if I pick one up, and still occasionally catch myself scratching at my wrist under duress.

I'm at a point now where asking for help is no longer a good idea. In the beginning it was, because that was a major safety hazard. But now, the thought doesn't take over like it did. Now my job is to use a knife like any normal person would to remind myself that I can handle it.

If I can handle using a knife again, just think of what else I may be able to accomplish!



In the anecdote, you may have noticed a hint of avoidance.

• I quit my job
• I avoided knives entirely some days
• I looked to others (my doctor and my parents) to do things for me

The overall task was too big to face head-on, so I broke it down.

Avoidance is okay as a means to an end. It stops being okay when it becomes the end. If you overwhelm yourself by taking too big of a step, you can make the problem worse, just like you can with avoidance. As in the rest of life, everything in moderation. Except chocolate. All of the chocolate.

The Worst of Tinder, Part 1

I haven't posted about the sex part of "sex, drugs, and baking" in a while. I think I wanted to give you a break. Or me. Maybe I wanted a break?

Either way, here we go again...

Two years ago some time this month is when I decided I was no longer Christian. One piece of the fallout from that was me deciding to try online dating. Specifically, tinder.

I knew I was very inexperienced, and as such I was very timid and tried to be extremely careful. I'd chat with someone for a bit before agreeing to meet up, and then it had to be in a public place with no plans of going back to anyone's place.

This is not how people of tinder work.

Put simply, tinder is, in my experience, a flirting and one-night-stand service. But, unless they agreed to meet in public, I flat out refused.

Eventually (after close to a month) someone agreed. He suggested Tim Horton's. If you know me apart from my blog, you already know what's coming. For anyone who doesn't, I worked at various Tims for six years and absolutely hate them. They treat their employees like shit, and their food and coffee are really not great quality. I'm surprised I've not been diagnosed with PTSD. I still have nightmares about working there.

But, I was getting lonely and desperate, so I agreed.

We met. Neither of us knew what to say. It was awkward. He suggested we go see a movie. I agreed. Not knowing terribly well where we were, I followed his lead in getting on the bus. It wasn't until he directed me off of the bus that I realized he had meant a movie at his place.

My mistake: "I've already agreed to this, he's saying it'll just be a movie, nothing will happen."

It's terrifying to know that I used to be even more naive than this.

He set up the movie. We sat down to watch. He started trying to cuddle. He grabbed at my chest. I told him off. He tried to kiss me. I backed away. He kept trying both of those moves.

I made up an (obviously dumb) excuse and left.

I know it could have gone significantly worse. I'm lucky it only went like that. I still cried on the way home.

I deleted tinder, and felt hopelessly alone.

But I didn't settle. For that, I'm grateful.

Dealing With Anxiety : An Outsider's Guide

Note: People are all different. This guide is compiled of experiences of myself and other people that I know with anxiety. To ensure maximum helpfulness, I recommend talking to the people you know with anxiety. This is meant only as a starting point.

• Anxiety is irrational. Saying things like "there's nothing to be worried about" may sound reassuring, but it can instead sound belittling. I know for myself, even in the middle of a panic attack, I'm usually well aware that I'm perfectly safe and nothing is, in fact, going catastrophically wrong. Now I also feel like I'm wasting your time talking about it, which adds guilt.
  
• Emotions are fully experienced, whether by a logical cause or not. As such, validating someone's emotions ("that sounds difficult/stressful") can help the person feel less out of control, which can, in turn, help them to regain control.
  
• Crowding doesn't help. If I can't breathe, having twenty people gather around me and ask if I'm alright will make it worse, not better. Offering to help is good, but keep a safe distance, especially if you don't actually know the person. They're already feeling unsafe. Being approached by random people is not relaxing.
  
• Water. It's refreshing. It can interrupt breathing enough to pause hyperventilation (this is what I do every time, but I have no idea if it works for anyone else). Alternatively, a paper bag has been known to help with hyperventilating, but it's not universal. I hate having things approach my face, so rapidly inflating and deflating a bag will make my situation worse. Basically, ask if you can get the person something. If they have trouble responding, make suggestions so they can just nod or shake their head.
  
• If plans or habits need to change, make sure to take the time to explain. Anxiety disorders basically force our brains to go to worst-case-scenario mode every time. Unexplained changes in patterns can lead to "What did I do wrong?" very quickly.
  
• Some days our brains are amazing and smart and wonderful. Some days I can stare you straight in the face, giving you my undivided attention, and not catch a single word you say. It's super frustrating. Please understand that we're not trying to shirk responsibilities or anything, and we're trying our hardest. Today was just supposed to be slept through and the fact that we showed up to anything is impressive.
  
• We need some reassurance. I always assume I'm doing a sub-par job, unless I'm told otherwise. I can see every problem with my work, and every reason that you might not like it, and if you think it's a masterpiece but don't tell me ever, then I'm going to be constantly berating myself for not being able to do better.
  
• Constructive criticism is useful. If you give me ideas on how to improve what I'm doing, I usually appreciate it. If you just tell me that I didn't do things right but not how, then I'll do it worse the next time. But be careful with this one. Too much criticism, constructive or otherwise, and I'll just feel incompetent and do anything possible to get out of doing the thing.

Basically, most of this list boils down to one thing: Communicate. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship, and to being helpful without being overbearing. If in doubt, just ask. I'll appreciate that you want to help, and try to suggest reasonable options. But if you don't offer, I'll feel guilty asking.

Anybody reading this who has anxiety and has other suggestions, feel free to add them in the comments.

Function vs Form (aka Compromising Comfort)

I'm not sure if I'll ever get over how much weight some people put on appearances. I'm sorry, but it's just so contrary to how I was raised, and it looks so dangerous. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it when things look good, but that's more of a bonus to me.

And yet....

I do have an interest in fashion. I like to like how I look. I've discovered this in the past few years. Before then, I considered anything along those lines to be vanity. There's a difference. Being able to look my reflection in the eye without hating myself is a wonderful feeling. But it doesn't overshadow being honest with myself.

How I look is a reflection of how I feel. There are days that I don't have the energy to wear lipstick, so I don't put it on. There are also days on which I'm relaxed and just don't feel a need for lipstick. Same with wearing heels. If I'm feeling too shy, and am lacking the confidence to put any minuscule amount of strut in my step, then I can't wear them. If I'm feeling relaxed, then I don't want to wear them. But they are plenty fun to wear when I do. I've walked 20km in heels "because why not" (and only regretted the last 5km).

So what do I consider "too much weight" on appearances?

When everything has to look perfect, whether you're feeling it or not. Let me explain.

When my ex and I were still together, before either of us had started college, one Sunday after lunch at his family's house I was waiting for him so we could leave for work. He came out of the house and passed on a message from his mother: I was not welcome back at their house until I took better care of my hair.

I tended, in those days, to tie my hair back without brushing it most days. I was told that, if I came in looking like that to the baby's ward at the hospital, where she worked, there was a strong chance I would no longer have a baby.

I was enraged. So, I did what made sense to me. I agreed to not go back to their house until I got an apology.

Eventually, there were complaints that they never saw me anymore. I was confused. I was respecting their wishes, and not coming back. I was then told I was being immature and taking things too far.

I never did get an apology.

A few years later, we went to get engagement photos taken. I asked him what I should wear, if he had any preferences, and then dressed accordingly.

The first comment anyone in his family had, upon seeing the pictures, was that my jeans were ripped. They'd known me four years at this point. They should have, I think, been able to get used to the fact that I liked ripped jeans, in four years.

Still, if I reacted to any of this, it was me being immature and oversensitive.



To my past self:

If you're with someone, and they love you, and they see how miserable other people are making you, it's not unreasonable to expect them to stand up for you. If you just accept it as "this is how it goes" then it's going to continue to be painful. You don't have to ask them to choose between you and their family, but just to find a way to let their family know that such comments are hurtful and could they please stop. If they instead choose to stand up to you and say that this is just how their family is, then maybe there isn't room for you in that family, and maybe it's time to remove yourself from a toxic situation.
You deserve to feel comfortable when surrounded by family, yours or theirs. That might take some compromise, but it has to go both ways. If you're the only one changing, it's not compromise.
Love yourself, even when it's hard.
~me