Inertia and Gravity as applied to Mental Health

Depression's like a big fur coat; it's made of dead things but it keeps me warm. ~Icon for Hire
I don't miss you; I miss the misery. ~Halestorm

Growth is hard. Change is hard. But nothing's as hard as staying somewhere you don't belong. ~Mandy Hale

There's something unexplicably comfortable about staying where you are, even if it's a toxic wasteland. It's kind of like Newton's first law of motion: Things want to keep doing what they're doing (also known as inertia). The thing about inertia is that it works both ways: once you start moving and start making progress, it gets easier to keep going.

When I first moved back into my parents' house after my divorce I experienced a phenomenon I've since dubbed couch gravity. I slept on the couch. I sat on the couch on my laptop when awake. I didn't leave that couch, basically ever. I found the simple task of getting up to eat exhausting. Some days I'd wake up determined to do something, but getting off of the couch was breaking my pattern, even though it was a pattern I wanted to break.

I still struggle with couch gravity. I'll walk into my room to grab something and find myself flaked out on the bed an hour later. But it's no longer a daily struggle to get up and moving in the morning. (Some days, but not nearly every day). Progress takes time, but it happens, and, as my support people keep reminding me, we need to celebrate the small victories. That's how you keep your movement inertia to reach the big ones.

Keep celebrating, keep moving forward, and keep getting off the couch.

You're Only as Strong as You Think You Are

The title is a quote from Icon For Hire's song Venom, and it resonates with me. Here's why:

There was a time that all I could do was think of myself as a victim. Everything was happening to me, and I was powerless to stop it or do anything about it. Now, I'm not saying I had a lot of control over circumstances, but my reaction wasn't helping anything.

There's another song quote (that was actually around back then) that challenged this mindset and helped me a lot. It's from Bastille's Pompeii; "how am I gonna be an optimist about this?" There are two ways to read/hear that one:

1. How am I ever supposed to be an optimist about this. It's too hard.
2. What can I focus on in this mess that'll help me be optimistic?

At the time, I only heard the latter, which is much more helpful. I took it as a challenge. Life might suck, but that doesn't mean there's nothing to hope for, or be optimistic about. Yes, my marriage had fallen apart, but I still had friends and family who were there for me.

Back to Venom. Again, there are multiple ways of interpreting the quote, but I think the main one, the one they were actually going for, is a challenge.

Picturing yourself as a victim doesn't get you out from being cornered. Picturing yourself as an underdog, where the odds are stacked against you but the hero always wins, is much more optimistic.

Physical health needs physical cures. Broken bones get splinted. Atrophied muscles need practise.

Mental health, though it may require medication and chemical rejigging, needs mental cures. Changes in thought patterns. Mental practise.

Mind over matter. Fake it til you make it. Whatever cliche you prefer, it's oversimplified and really annoying to get thrown in your face, but there is still some truth in it. I'm not saying it's the answer, because it's a puzzle, and that's one piece, but all of the pieces are important, whether we like them or not.

Mental weight-lifting is one of the hardest things I've done, and I still have to do it, but I'm not a victim; I'm an underdog.

As Carrie Underwood sings, "I am the Champion."

Judging Myself Through Borrowed Eyes

I've always wanted to not care what other people thought of me. At times I convinced myself I'd succeeded, but then I'd meet someone who actually didn't care and I realized just how blind I was.

I recently finished reading a duology, Carve the Mark & The Fates Divide by Veronica Roth. The amount to which I related to various characters is why I love the author, but in particular one stood out to me. Her name is Cisi. In the book, everybody has what's called a currentgift. They're all unique, and it's like a superpower. Whoever's narrating the given chapter, however, will often at some point bemoan the drawbacks of theirs (and for good reason). Cisi's currentgift is comforting people. she can emit an aura of, say, waves crashing, or fresh laundry, whatever she thinks the other person will find soothing. She cannot, however, intentionally make anyone feel uncomfortable, to the extent that she physically can't cry around other people, can't scream in pain if injured, and literally chokes if she tries to disagree with someone.

I do not have superpowers. I do, however, feel my throat physically restrict if I try to argue something, even trivial. Constantly while in public, or even at home and with other people, my brain will be telling me what everyone else is thinking of me and, funny thing, it's always negative.

This is a known thing in the world of mental health, and let me just say that the brain is spewing bullshit. Unless you can actually read minds, you don't know what other people are thinking, and, while it's good to be sensitive to the needs and opinions of other people to navigate society, being supersensitive to their minor whims is not going to work.

Mind reading: You believe you know what others are thinking, failing to take consider other more realistic possibilities. (According to Dr. Hsia of OC Anxiety Center)

During this quarantine, my dog still needs exercise. Technically, so do I, but the motivating factor is my dog. So, every day we head over to a nearby field so he can run around. Sometimes there are other people and dogs there, but not usually. The other day there was someone else there and, maintaining our distance, we were chatting for a while. You know, as people do. Upon returning home and washing my hands, I glanced up in the mirror to see that I had the remnants of a chocolate muffin on my face from before the field. Like, a big smear of chocolate on my chin. I was so embarrassed. But then something occurred to me: a lot of people would have said something about it, and the other dog owner didn't. Likely, then, either she didn't notice, she didn't care, or she was too nervous to point it out. None of those options actually reflect negatively on me, so I'm fine.

This was a breakthrough moment for me and has taken years of counselling and practise. That said, it is possible to get there. From that point, I was able to laugh it off, wash my face, and go about my day.

I still get paralyzed trying to bring up a difficult subject for fear of what the other person will obviously think, but I'm getting there. The important thing is to give other people credit.

Remember, not telling someone something because you're trying to protect them, is like saying 'I don't think you can handle this, so I'll handle it for you'. In most situations, it's better to spend that energy finding the right way to tell them.

And if you run into me at the dog park, feel free to let me know there's chocolate on my face.

If there are two types of people, make all of the cake

In my experience, there are two types of people: those who understand mental health, and those that think they do.

Now, I hear some exceptions coming, so let’s get those out of the way, and then discuss the topic at hand.


People who will readily say they don’t understand mental health but are willing to try, are actually fairly understanding..

People who say “it’s all in your head” have an answer and stick to it regardless of how well it works, so they think they understand but don’t actually.

It has come to my attention that not everybody likes chocolate. I’m still not sure if I can handle it, but I’ve been told it’s a fact. Knowing that, if I’m asked to make a cake for a party, and I don’t know what everybody likes, am I more likely to:

• Make white cake, as the typically least offensive option
• Make chocolate cake, as the typically most popular option 
• Make something different, like apple cake, to show the world that I do know more than two kinds exist (also because more flavour than white cake but less than chocolate?) 
• Make multiple smaller cakes in different flavours (hah! They won’t be smaller. There will just be leftover cake. Oh no. What a shame.) 

As listed, there are reasons to choose each of the above options, so none of them is wrong. It’s also going to depend on what you have on hand. If you don’t have apples, making an apple cake may be difficult. If you don’t have chocolate, then why bother making a cake? Sorry. I’ll try to stop.

Personally, in the above scenario, I usually opt for multiple cakes, also trying to account for various food sensitivities like gluten, dairy, vegan, nuts, etc. If I don’t have that level of time or energy (or eggs!) then I’ll typically go for the apple (or lemon, etc.) option, and then be disappointed later that there’s no chocolate.

But why am I suddenly talking about cake?

Because it’s safe to prefer different types of cake. I joke about chocolate being the only right answer, but people know it’s a joke and don’t take offense.

People aren’t all the same. That’s why life isn’t boring and robotic. Well-known fact.

Why, then, do so many people expect mental health to have a one-size-fits-all cure?

• It’s all in your head.
• Try this prescription. 
• Try that type of therapy. 
• Stop burying your emotions. 
• Be creative and expressive. 
• Get high. 
• It worked for [me, my partner, my friend, etc.]

There are very few people qualified to give this sort of advice. Doctors, pharmacists, and people that are relied on when things get rough. I call them supports.

Support (n) : a person that is trusted implicitly, with even the darkest of secrets, and does not judge, or use the information against you. They push as needed, but let you do the work of getting out of the rut, knowing that, without the right muscles, if you’re picked up you’ll just fall right back down. They encourage you to build the right muscles so you can someday stand on your own.

So why do I get random strangers telling me what I need to do? They don’t know what I’ve tried or how it’s worked.

If you want to suggest something, because you saw the positive difference it made and want to be helpful, then by all means, politely offer your idea and then drop the topic. If you’re fed up with people not fixing themselves and preferring to be broken, maybe you don’t understand the problem.

I hate white cake. I would almost rather have no cake. There’s no flavour to it, aside from a vague sweetness. I still make white cake, when asked, because I understand that my taste buds don’t belong to everybody.

If you truly understand mental health, then you’re going to find yourself making a lot of cakes.

Pendragon's Pandemic Experience

Wow, that title sounds like I'm trying to sell a getaway. But the words flow so nicely, so I'm keeping it.

One thing I've repeatedly noticed during this pandemic (and have also seen stated a number of times) is that people with anxiety disorders are handling it a lot better than those without. Why? Because we're used to feeling like the world is ending, and we already have practise with coping strategies and such.

So, from one anxious person to another, here are a few coping strategies that I have found useful. Please note: I am not a trained psychotherapist or anything like that. Nothing here is guaranteed. I'm just trying to be helpful by sharing my own personal experience.

This is formatted as an interview, because I was asked for some advice and decided to share it with all of you :)

Questions, as asked: (I use Eddie (my dog) as an example in my answers so no one risks getting too personal or whatever.)

Friend: Does talking about your anxiety help, or make it worse?  Because sometimes it seems like they're both true.

Me: It depends on how you're talking about the feelings. First off, when I talk about this, there's a difference between ranting and venting. Ranting builds pressure, venting releases it. Typically (in my experience) if your talking is focussed on the problem, it's ranting. If, however, it's in terms of what you can do about it, that's more beneficial.

eg. Eddie gets nervous meeting strangers sometimes. He expresses this by barking and lunging at them. That is ranting. We are teaching him to walk around strangers and give them extra space by communicating to him (albeit nonverbally) that he is safe, and we are there for him and will protect him.

Friend: How do you know when to just feel the feelings vs trying to make the feelings stop??

Me: When to feel the feelings is mostly about your environment.

"Are you in a safe space?" is the key.

What this is actually asking: who is around you? what are you doing? is the general atmosphere (besides anxiety) comfortable? If you're feeling extreme emotions, you don't need to be bringing in other worries, like "what will people think". Typically, I like to be alone, in the dark, and on a bed/couch/etc.

alone: no risk of embarrassment.

dark: less external stimulus (allows focus to explore the anxiety and ask questions about it. the more you know, the stronger you are against it)

bed: comforting (cold cement floors can be a negative, which you don't need any more of. The coldness can also be refreshing; to each their own)

It is also not a bad idea to have a partner or close friend there; someone you can trust absolutely.

Which brings me to the bonus round: support system. This is the single most important part (hence its inclusion without being requested).

(be forewarned, i start to ramble a little bit here. if you've gotten what you need, and you are confident in the people around you, feel free to stop reading)

Your support system is your choice. Choose someone(s) who won't judge you, who you find encouraging, and with whom you are comfortable to sit in silence.

There are sometimes minute differences between a good support and a bad one. Typically it's the tone.

If I'm feeling depressed and haven't gotten out of bed yet and it's evening, then I'm already beating myself up over that.

Toxic response: Just do it.

Helpful response: I understand that this is being difficult. What can I do?

basically, "How can I make it easier for you to do what you need?"

The key is that you are still doing the thing. They are your support, not your servant.

A support person can, but doesn't have to, also experience what you're struggling with. Experience can mean they understand better. Not experiencing can mean you are less likely to drag each other down. I have support people of both sorts, and they each have their strengths, just like in any other aspect of peopling.

Hopefully this was helpful. (hopefully you could follow my train of thought lol). If you would like further clarification or have other questions, feel free to ask. My stance on my mental health is to use my experience to help other people through theirs, so I'm happy to be able to help. It gives more meaning to my day-to-day :)

Pendragon Gets Married!

I did allude to this in my flourless baking post. Yes, my partner and I are now married. Not much has changed for us - we were already living together - but little things like my signature and a bunch of formal pictures of us mark the occasion.

We'd been planning to since we started dating, having been best friends for years prior.

For a quick rundown on how it happened (the day of) :

• We signed the legal documents at home in our pyjamas with a minister we found online.
• We then lost track of time and were 45 minutes late showing up to the venue
• After showing up, we got dressed (so my partner wouldn't see me in my dress early)
• The wedding went off "without a hitch"... aside from the main thing being getting hitched...
• It was basically immediate family only, with a couple of friends that are more like siblings
• It was at a board game cafe, so once the ceremony was done, people could order food and drinks and play games, and that was the reception. No dancing was had.
• There was a game of Werewolf with almost everybody participating. I ran the game (as I always do) and did so without my usual notepad and paper, only forgetting a few roles each round!

From the comments received, as well as our personal experiences, everyone had a good time.


As for our honeymoon, we went to a privately-run zoo that works with global conservation efforts. They have a B&B on site, so we could hear the animals any hour of the day. We did their behind-the-scenes program and hand-fed some foxes and lemurs, played with an 8-month-old wolf, and fed (with a grabby stick) some tigers and a panther, and my partner (yes, I still prefer this term for keeping their identity anonymous online) had a serval cat cuddle. We had an absolute blast and highly recommend similar-style vacations for animal-lovers who want to relax and get away.

ps. Eddie stayed with my inlaws for the week. They say he had a great week too, and he was really excited to see us again and come home. He'd been to their place before, even having an overnight without us so we could see how that went. He's a good boy, if a little spoiled.

Anxiety Dog

We call Eddie our little toddler for many reasons:

• He can be destructive (fortunately he usually keeps this to his own toys)
• He's not always good at communicating, despite being fairly vocal
• He's freaking adorable
• He's the closest we're planning on getting to actual children.

Having anxiety is one thing, but caring for someone with anxiety is another. Having anxiety while caring for someone with anxiety can either be great, or a train wreck.

I use my anxiety to understand Eddie's, and use his expressions of anxiety to understand my own. It's like our own funhouse mirror.

Eddie didn't meet many other people or dogs before we got him, so he gets nervous doing so now. He also knows he's a big dog and kind of scary looking, so if he growls and lunges, others tend to back off. I, on the other hand, have met people and dogs before, with mixed results. So I also try to protect myself, but I am not an imposing person, so I protect myself by pretending to be confident and "normal" and hoping they'll like me enough to not tease me.

When Eddie does have to meet someone, I give him cookies to turn it into a positive experience. Likewise, to motivate myself to do a difficult task, I reward myself with chocolate.

Eddie is a smart dog, and wants to make us happy. Yes, he's a bit agressive at times, and no, that's not polite behaviour, but we're working on it.

I am a smart human being that wants to function well in society. Yes, I have difficulty breathing sometimes, and yes, it does make people around me uncomfortable when I cry, but I'm working on it.

Relatable song: Workin' on It ~ Andy Grammer

Eddie Pics

The day we got Eddie, waiting for my parents to come bring us all home. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he was happy to be outside. When my parents came, we learned that he has no fear of moving vehicles. Fortunately, they were stopping anyways.

Shortly after getting him, Eddie figured out life had gotten better. Among other things, he had more toys!

The Humane Society warned us that he had a thing for chewing blankets. This was an anxiety thing of Eddie not knowing what was going on. He never once chewed the blankets on our bed, and the second one we gave him has almost no holes in it!

Good boi got new bol! Such excite.

All dressed up! We used this photo on our wedding invitations. He wasn't allowed at the actual wedding (which would have been too stressful for him anyways), but he was still represented.

Pendragon Gets a Dog!

Be warned, the story is bittersweet and very sad before the happy ending.

My partner and I wanted a dog, but with both of us working, and my work schedule being unreliable, we knew we didn't have time to train a puppy. We decided to try to adopt an adult dog, as they're often seen as "less desirable" anyways.

Pros: personality is more developped and known beforehand
Cons: having to find someone giving up a dog

I searched online and in the local newspaper, checking rescues and classified ads for months. I'd apply and then either never hear back or be told no. It was crushing to know that I could go buy a puppy and nobody would bat an eye, but trying to be more responsible meant getting turned down so many times.

Then I met Max. Max was being fostered by our neighbour. She told me the organization, and I applied. Max, however, loved kids, and my partner and I aren't planning on having any, so that was another no. This time, though, the rescue agency came back to me with "We have another dog that would be a better fit. Are you interested?"

Hell yes I was interested.

We did the phone interview and sent pictures of our home in lieu of inspection and were cleared - we were adopting Tommy, who we'd rename Comet.

The rescue put us in touch with his foster family (in Egypt), presumably so we could find out straight from them things like what sort of toys he likes, and we could show them how well he was adjusting to life in Canada.

We were to get Comet at the airport. My partner booked the day off from work, my mother cleared her schedule to drive us, I was getting my dog.

The night before, I got a message from the foster mom: "We've made a terrible mistake, we want our dog back."

I was crushed.

Can they do that? was all I could think. Had I actually just gotten declined again?

The rescue didn't respond to the situation, so we went to the airport as planned. The rescue said it was up to us whether we kept the dog or not, but he was not going back to Egypt. We decided that yes, we would continue forward.

The family had a local friend there to pick up my dog. The friend saw us and how well-prepared we were, and saw that we waited for over 8 hours, and said we were a good fit for the dog, much better than him being sent on a plane again.

Comet came home with us.

Then the harassment started. The rescue had informed us not two days before getting Comet that he was to be on a strict raw food diet, saying it's more natural for all dogs and citing a Netflix documentary. I looked at veterinary websites, the American Kennel Club, the Canadian Kennel Club, all over the internet, and all I could find were blogs agreeing with her, and scientific reports disagreeing, so my partner and I agreed to feed the dog what the vet recommended once we got an appointment (the next day). In the meantime, one day of whatever would be fine.

Food was soon a non-issue in our eyes. I started getting upwards of forty messages a day from the foster family begging for their dog back. Meanwhile, we'd signed a contract with the rescue saying that if we didn't keep the dog, he'd go back to the rescue. Our hands were tied, but the fosters didn't accept that.

I stopped answering unknown numbers on my phone, I blocked contacts, but they would get a new friend to contact me on their behalf, and leave messages. By the time their lawyer called, I was pissed. He left a message. I called back and I told them what was going on from my perspective. The harrassment stopped. It was a miracle.

And then a letter came. I had a package to pick up.

Certified mail.

A different lawyer was threatening to sue me for stealing this dog.

We contacted the rescue. They said that nobody had contacted them, so it wasn't their problem. We asked the new lawyer to take it up with the rescue. They scheduled a phone call with me.

They tried to guilt me into breaking a contract and putting my dog on a plane, never to see him again.

I, again, told them my side of the story. They finally decided that they should talk to the rescue.

Meanwhile, my partner and I were having panic attacks every time my phone rang, or buzzed, or did anything at all. We called the rescue, tearfully, and asked them to rehome our Comet. The foster family had sent me a message asking if the could come see him, at least for a proper goodbye. We felt we were no longer safe, nor could we keep him safe.

After a few weeks of taking care of a dog I wasn't, for my own safety, allowed to keep, we met his new adoptive family and he was gone.

After a few more weeks of healing, I started looking for a dog again, but more carefully this time. My motto was "Humane Society or bust". I'd check every day. Dogs came and went quickly.

We went in for a visit to our local one, and the only option was a bonded pair of large dogs. As badly as we wanted canine companionship, we agreed that it would be an unwise decision.

I started checking the Humane Societies in other townships. A neighbouring town had a dozen or so dogs listed, so my partner took the day off from work and we went down to meet some of them. That's the day I learned that Humane Societies share names, but are not actually connected. Just because one has a bunch of cats and no dogs, doesn't mean they're all like that, and doesn't mean they'll share among themselves.

We found Eddie that day and, after about 8 hours of waiting and paperwork and waiting and meetings and waiting, brought him home.

He's adjusted very well. He likes having a choice of three couches to stretch out on during the day. He's the best behaved dog I've ever had. I can put my lunch on the couch and he'll look at it, but he won't touch unless I say ok (which I don't, because of my love of either chocolate or garlic, and his already sensitive stomach)

See, it did have a happy ending. But getting there was like reliving my divorce, and nothing I'd ever wish on another human.

Flourless Baking!

Hey all! So I've been meaning to make this post for over a month now, but I still can't get the wording quite right, so I'm just going to rampble and hopefully you'll understand.

First off, some background info that's changed. Pendragon got a dog! And got remarried! and has been fairly busy apparently... I'll add a page of pictures of my dog, as well as a proper post about him, don't worry.

And now, the reason you're here, flourless baking!

*Obligatory brownie rant* Brownies were invented accidentally by someone trying to make a flourless chocolate cake, so the fact that most brownie recipes I see these days contain flour is annoying. They're the perfect gluten-free dessert, and then we had to go and put the gluten back in?

My favourite method of gluten-free baking, as previously mentioned, is flourless baking. Now, as flour is becoming a rare commodity, I feel like it's time to make flourless baking more popular!

Here are some external links (you've been warned) to some of my favourite flourless recipes (and don't forget to check out my Gluten-Free label for internal links)

Lemon Almond Cake - I'm not sure if this one counts, as it has almond flour, but you can make almond flour by grinding almonds really well, and it has some decent tips (like how to incorporate eggs) for other cakes

Almond Cake - (no lemon) This one is more dense, almost like a cookie. One of these days I'm going to try turning it into biscotti

Peanut Butter Cookies - I think it's the same recipe as on Kraft Peanut Butter jars

Coconut Date Balls - I have this recipe in a cookbook. The only difference is mine doesn't call for a cup of sugar. Your choice whether you want it or not.

Rice Krispies Squares - Because why change a recipe that already works


Basically, if you want to make something but don't have a key ingredient, like flour, then google it, like "flourless cake". Alternatively, check out the gluten-free section for baking mixes