Selfless, Selfish, and Self

"Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind." ~ Dodinsky

Most people that I'm aware of agree that selfish people are assholes. That feels like an established fact.

Therefore, to not be an asshole, thou shalt be selfless. Sounds logical. I'll accept it. (for now)

Before we get any further, let's define some key terms here.

• Asshole (noun) : Someone who is unpleasant to be around
• Selfish (adj.) : To be self-centered; to be focused on your life, and to be oblivious of the lives of other people and the environment around you
• Selfless (adj.) : To consider everything and everyone that is not you to be a higher priority than yourself

Theoretically, if everyone looks out for everyone else, the system looks like it should work, right? Everyone's being looked out for. Everyone's covered. No-one's an asshole.

Except.

*gasp*

Except.

It doesn't work.

Why? Possibly because a couple of assholes spoil it for everyone. Possibly because nobody can focus on literally everyone, so someone is probably getting more looked-after than someone else.

Possibly because nobody knows what you need quite like you do.

If someone is hungry, typically they feel it. Their stomach likely aches. It may grumble a bit, but that could also be the digestive process saying "seriously, what did you just eat?" If I'm hungry, you don't know unless I tell you.

But then I have to talk about myself and my needs and not be focused in on yours. Then I'm not being selfless.

You may be jumping ahead here, saying it's not a binary option but a scale. I'm going to keep talking like it's a binary option. Things are more easily discussed when black and white. The colour will come soon though, I promise.

We need to be selfish in order to adequately take care of ourselves. We need to be in tune with ourselves and what we need in order to meet those needs. We need to meet those needs in order to have the ability to help other people meet their needs as well. We need to help each other be selfish so that we can all have what it takes to be selfless.

Picture a scale (the type used as a symbol for justice (or libra, if you're into zodiac)). Too much selfishness and you're an asshole. Too much selflessness and you're depleted. But then, if you take away the framework that holds up either side, who knows which side weighs more?

The framework is self-awareness, closely associated with mindfulness. It's the ability to discern which of your desires are wants versus needs, and what, of other peoples' struggles, you can take on and help with.

Once you have the framework, keeping the scales even is a simple matter of paying attention. Building the framework takes effort, yes. And I'm not saying that taking care of your needs are the only time you're allowed to be selfish. There are basic human needs (food, shelter, water, etc.) but then there are also the more complex needs that vary from person to person, such as alone time, social time, down time. Some people need to feel accomplished. Some people need to be able to relax. Some people need to be able to talk about things, others need to be able to think about things without talking. These are still needs that must be met in order to be refreshed and ready to help.

Let's face it: if you're drained, then you have nothing left to give, and all you can do is take, and then you start to drain others.

If you need to rely on other people to meet your needs, you might not have the ability to reciprocate.

If you're too selfless, you'll become selfish. And selfish people are assholes.