Inertia and Gravity as applied to Mental Health

Depression's like a big fur coat; it's made of dead things but it keeps me warm. ~Icon for Hire
I don't miss you; I miss the misery. ~Halestorm

Growth is hard. Change is hard. But nothing's as hard as staying somewhere you don't belong. ~Mandy Hale

There's something unexplicably comfortable about staying where you are, even if it's a toxic wasteland. It's kind of like Newton's first law of motion: Things want to keep doing what they're doing (also known as inertia). The thing about inertia is that it works both ways: once you start moving and start making progress, it gets easier to keep going.

When I first moved back into my parents' house after my divorce I experienced a phenomenon I've since dubbed couch gravity. I slept on the couch. I sat on the couch on my laptop when awake. I didn't leave that couch, basically ever. I found the simple task of getting up to eat exhausting. Some days I'd wake up determined to do something, but getting off of the couch was breaking my pattern, even though it was a pattern I wanted to break.

I still struggle with couch gravity. I'll walk into my room to grab something and find myself flaked out on the bed an hour later. But it's no longer a daily struggle to get up and moving in the morning. (Some days, but not nearly every day). Progress takes time, but it happens, and, as my support people keep reminding me, we need to celebrate the small victories. That's how you keep your movement inertia to reach the big ones.

Keep celebrating, keep moving forward, and keep getting off the couch.

You're Only as Strong as You Think You Are

The title is a quote from Icon For Hire's song Venom, and it resonates with me. Here's why:

There was a time that all I could do was think of myself as a victim. Everything was happening to me, and I was powerless to stop it or do anything about it. Now, I'm not saying I had a lot of control over circumstances, but my reaction wasn't helping anything.

There's another song quote (that was actually around back then) that challenged this mindset and helped me a lot. It's from Bastille's Pompeii; "how am I gonna be an optimist about this?" There are two ways to read/hear that one:

1. How am I ever supposed to be an optimist about this. It's too hard.
2. What can I focus on in this mess that'll help me be optimistic?

At the time, I only heard the latter, which is much more helpful. I took it as a challenge. Life might suck, but that doesn't mean there's nothing to hope for, or be optimistic about. Yes, my marriage had fallen apart, but I still had friends and family who were there for me.

Back to Venom. Again, there are multiple ways of interpreting the quote, but I think the main one, the one they were actually going for, is a challenge.

Picturing yourself as a victim doesn't get you out from being cornered. Picturing yourself as an underdog, where the odds are stacked against you but the hero always wins, is much more optimistic.

Physical health needs physical cures. Broken bones get splinted. Atrophied muscles need practise.

Mental health, though it may require medication and chemical rejigging, needs mental cures. Changes in thought patterns. Mental practise.

Mind over matter. Fake it til you make it. Whatever cliche you prefer, it's oversimplified and really annoying to get thrown in your face, but there is still some truth in it. I'm not saying it's the answer, because it's a puzzle, and that's one piece, but all of the pieces are important, whether we like them or not.

Mental weight-lifting is one of the hardest things I've done, and I still have to do it, but I'm not a victim; I'm an underdog.

As Carrie Underwood sings, "I am the Champion."

Judging Myself Through Borrowed Eyes

I've always wanted to not care what other people thought of me. At times I convinced myself I'd succeeded, but then I'd meet someone who actually didn't care and I realized just how blind I was.

I recently finished reading a duology, Carve the Mark & The Fates Divide by Veronica Roth. The amount to which I related to various characters is why I love the author, but in particular one stood out to me. Her name is Cisi. In the book, everybody has what's called a currentgift. They're all unique, and it's like a superpower. Whoever's narrating the given chapter, however, will often at some point bemoan the drawbacks of theirs (and for good reason). Cisi's currentgift is comforting people. she can emit an aura of, say, waves crashing, or fresh laundry, whatever she thinks the other person will find soothing. She cannot, however, intentionally make anyone feel uncomfortable, to the extent that she physically can't cry around other people, can't scream in pain if injured, and literally chokes if she tries to disagree with someone.

I do not have superpowers. I do, however, feel my throat physically restrict if I try to argue something, even trivial. Constantly while in public, or even at home and with other people, my brain will be telling me what everyone else is thinking of me and, funny thing, it's always negative.

This is a known thing in the world of mental health, and let me just say that the brain is spewing bullshit. Unless you can actually read minds, you don't know what other people are thinking, and, while it's good to be sensitive to the needs and opinions of other people to navigate society, being supersensitive to their minor whims is not going to work.

Mind reading: You believe you know what others are thinking, failing to take consider other more realistic possibilities. (According to Dr. Hsia of OC Anxiety Center)

During this quarantine, my dog still needs exercise. Technically, so do I, but the motivating factor is my dog. So, every day we head over to a nearby field so he can run around. Sometimes there are other people and dogs there, but not usually. The other day there was someone else there and, maintaining our distance, we were chatting for a while. You know, as people do. Upon returning home and washing my hands, I glanced up in the mirror to see that I had the remnants of a chocolate muffin on my face from before the field. Like, a big smear of chocolate on my chin. I was so embarrassed. But then something occurred to me: a lot of people would have said something about it, and the other dog owner didn't. Likely, then, either she didn't notice, she didn't care, or she was too nervous to point it out. None of those options actually reflect negatively on me, so I'm fine.

This was a breakthrough moment for me and has taken years of counselling and practise. That said, it is possible to get there. From that point, I was able to laugh it off, wash my face, and go about my day.

I still get paralyzed trying to bring up a difficult subject for fear of what the other person will obviously think, but I'm getting there. The important thing is to give other people credit.

Remember, not telling someone something because you're trying to protect them, is like saying 'I don't think you can handle this, so I'll handle it for you'. In most situations, it's better to spend that energy finding the right way to tell them.

And if you run into me at the dog park, feel free to let me know there's chocolate on my face.

If there are two types of people, make all of the cake

In my experience, there are two types of people: those who understand mental health, and those that think they do.

Now, I hear some exceptions coming, so let’s get those out of the way, and then discuss the topic at hand.


People who will readily say they don’t understand mental health but are willing to try, are actually fairly understanding..

People who say “it’s all in your head” have an answer and stick to it regardless of how well it works, so they think they understand but don’t actually.

It has come to my attention that not everybody likes chocolate. I’m still not sure if I can handle it, but I’ve been told it’s a fact. Knowing that, if I’m asked to make a cake for a party, and I don’t know what everybody likes, am I more likely to:

• Make white cake, as the typically least offensive option
• Make chocolate cake, as the typically most popular option 
• Make something different, like apple cake, to show the world that I do know more than two kinds exist (also because more flavour than white cake but less than chocolate?) 
• Make multiple smaller cakes in different flavours (hah! They won’t be smaller. There will just be leftover cake. Oh no. What a shame.) 

As listed, there are reasons to choose each of the above options, so none of them is wrong. It’s also going to depend on what you have on hand. If you don’t have apples, making an apple cake may be difficult. If you don’t have chocolate, then why bother making a cake? Sorry. I’ll try to stop.

Personally, in the above scenario, I usually opt for multiple cakes, also trying to account for various food sensitivities like gluten, dairy, vegan, nuts, etc. If I don’t have that level of time or energy (or eggs!) then I’ll typically go for the apple (or lemon, etc.) option, and then be disappointed later that there’s no chocolate.

But why am I suddenly talking about cake?

Because it’s safe to prefer different types of cake. I joke about chocolate being the only right answer, but people know it’s a joke and don’t take offense.

People aren’t all the same. That’s why life isn’t boring and robotic. Well-known fact.

Why, then, do so many people expect mental health to have a one-size-fits-all cure?

• It’s all in your head.
• Try this prescription. 
• Try that type of therapy. 
• Stop burying your emotions. 
• Be creative and expressive. 
• Get high. 
• It worked for [me, my partner, my friend, etc.]

There are very few people qualified to give this sort of advice. Doctors, pharmacists, and people that are relied on when things get rough. I call them supports.

Support (n) : a person that is trusted implicitly, with even the darkest of secrets, and does not judge, or use the information against you. They push as needed, but let you do the work of getting out of the rut, knowing that, without the right muscles, if you’re picked up you’ll just fall right back down. They encourage you to build the right muscles so you can someday stand on your own.

So why do I get random strangers telling me what I need to do? They don’t know what I’ve tried or how it’s worked.

If you want to suggest something, because you saw the positive difference it made and want to be helpful, then by all means, politely offer your idea and then drop the topic. If you’re fed up with people not fixing themselves and preferring to be broken, maybe you don’t understand the problem.

I hate white cake. I would almost rather have no cake. There’s no flavour to it, aside from a vague sweetness. I still make white cake, when asked, because I understand that my taste buds don’t belong to everybody.

If you truly understand mental health, then you’re going to find yourself making a lot of cakes.