Pendragon's Pandemic Experience

Wow, that title sounds like I'm trying to sell a getaway. But the words flow so nicely, so I'm keeping it.

One thing I've repeatedly noticed during this pandemic (and have also seen stated a number of times) is that people with anxiety disorders are handling it a lot better than those without. Why? Because we're used to feeling like the world is ending, and we already have practise with coping strategies and such.

So, from one anxious person to another, here are a few coping strategies that I have found useful. Please note: I am not a trained psychotherapist or anything like that. Nothing here is guaranteed. I'm just trying to be helpful by sharing my own personal experience.

This is formatted as an interview, because I was asked for some advice and decided to share it with all of you :)

Questions, as asked: (I use Eddie (my dog) as an example in my answers so no one risks getting too personal or whatever.)

Friend: Does talking about your anxiety help, or make it worse?  Because sometimes it seems like they're both true.

Me: It depends on how you're talking about the feelings. First off, when I talk about this, there's a difference between ranting and venting. Ranting builds pressure, venting releases it. Typically (in my experience) if your talking is focussed on the problem, it's ranting. If, however, it's in terms of what you can do about it, that's more beneficial.

eg. Eddie gets nervous meeting strangers sometimes. He expresses this by barking and lunging at them. That is ranting. We are teaching him to walk around strangers and give them extra space by communicating to him (albeit nonverbally) that he is safe, and we are there for him and will protect him.

Friend: How do you know when to just feel the feelings vs trying to make the feelings stop??

Me: When to feel the feelings is mostly about your environment.

"Are you in a safe space?" is the key.

What this is actually asking: who is around you? what are you doing? is the general atmosphere (besides anxiety) comfortable? If you're feeling extreme emotions, you don't need to be bringing in other worries, like "what will people think". Typically, I like to be alone, in the dark, and on a bed/couch/etc.

alone: no risk of embarrassment.

dark: less external stimulus (allows focus to explore the anxiety and ask questions about it. the more you know, the stronger you are against it)

bed: comforting (cold cement floors can be a negative, which you don't need any more of. The coldness can also be refreshing; to each their own)

It is also not a bad idea to have a partner or close friend there; someone you can trust absolutely.

Which brings me to the bonus round: support system. This is the single most important part (hence its inclusion without being requested).

(be forewarned, i start to ramble a little bit here. if you've gotten what you need, and you are confident in the people around you, feel free to stop reading)

Your support system is your choice. Choose someone(s) who won't judge you, who you find encouraging, and with whom you are comfortable to sit in silence.

There are sometimes minute differences between a good support and a bad one. Typically it's the tone.

If I'm feeling depressed and haven't gotten out of bed yet and it's evening, then I'm already beating myself up over that.

Toxic response: Just do it.

Helpful response: I understand that this is being difficult. What can I do?

basically, "How can I make it easier for you to do what you need?"

The key is that you are still doing the thing. They are your support, not your servant.

A support person can, but doesn't have to, also experience what you're struggling with. Experience can mean they understand better. Not experiencing can mean you are less likely to drag each other down. I have support people of both sorts, and they each have their strengths, just like in any other aspect of peopling.

Hopefully this was helpful. (hopefully you could follow my train of thought lol). If you would like further clarification or have other questions, feel free to ask. My stance on my mental health is to use my experience to help other people through theirs, so I'm happy to be able to help. It gives more meaning to my day-to-day :)

Pendragon Gets Married!

I did allude to this in my flourless baking post. Yes, my partner and I are now married. Not much has changed for us - we were already living together - but little things like my signature and a bunch of formal pictures of us mark the occasion.

We'd been planning to since we started dating, having been best friends for years prior.

For a quick rundown on how it happened (the day of) :

• We signed the legal documents at home in our pyjamas with a minister we found online.
• We then lost track of time and were 45 minutes late showing up to the venue
• After showing up, we got dressed (so my partner wouldn't see me in my dress early)
• The wedding went off "without a hitch"... aside from the main thing being getting hitched...
• It was basically immediate family only, with a couple of friends that are more like siblings
• It was at a board game cafe, so once the ceremony was done, people could order food and drinks and play games, and that was the reception. No dancing was had.
• There was a game of Werewolf with almost everybody participating. I ran the game (as I always do) and did so without my usual notepad and paper, only forgetting a few roles each round!

From the comments received, as well as our personal experiences, everyone had a good time.


As for our honeymoon, we went to a privately-run zoo that works with global conservation efforts. They have a B&B on site, so we could hear the animals any hour of the day. We did their behind-the-scenes program and hand-fed some foxes and lemurs, played with an 8-month-old wolf, and fed (with a grabby stick) some tigers and a panther, and my partner (yes, I still prefer this term for keeping their identity anonymous online) had a serval cat cuddle. We had an absolute blast and highly recommend similar-style vacations for animal-lovers who want to relax and get away.

ps. Eddie stayed with my inlaws for the week. They say he had a great week too, and he was really excited to see us again and come home. He'd been to their place before, even having an overnight without us so we could see how that went. He's a good boy, if a little spoiled.

Anxiety Dog

We call Eddie our little toddler for many reasons:

• He can be destructive (fortunately he usually keeps this to his own toys)
• He's not always good at communicating, despite being fairly vocal
• He's freaking adorable
• He's the closest we're planning on getting to actual children.

Having anxiety is one thing, but caring for someone with anxiety is another. Having anxiety while caring for someone with anxiety can either be great, or a train wreck.

I use my anxiety to understand Eddie's, and use his expressions of anxiety to understand my own. It's like our own funhouse mirror.

Eddie didn't meet many other people or dogs before we got him, so he gets nervous doing so now. He also knows he's a big dog and kind of scary looking, so if he growls and lunges, others tend to back off. I, on the other hand, have met people and dogs before, with mixed results. So I also try to protect myself, but I am not an imposing person, so I protect myself by pretending to be confident and "normal" and hoping they'll like me enough to not tease me.

When Eddie does have to meet someone, I give him cookies to turn it into a positive experience. Likewise, to motivate myself to do a difficult task, I reward myself with chocolate.

Eddie is a smart dog, and wants to make us happy. Yes, he's a bit agressive at times, and no, that's not polite behaviour, but we're working on it.

I am a smart human being that wants to function well in society. Yes, I have difficulty breathing sometimes, and yes, it does make people around me uncomfortable when I cry, but I'm working on it.

Relatable song: Workin' on It ~ Andy Grammer

Eddie Pics

The day we got Eddie, waiting for my parents to come bring us all home. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he was happy to be outside. When my parents came, we learned that he has no fear of moving vehicles. Fortunately, they were stopping anyways.

Shortly after getting him, Eddie figured out life had gotten better. Among other things, he had more toys!

The Humane Society warned us that he had a thing for chewing blankets. This was an anxiety thing of Eddie not knowing what was going on. He never once chewed the blankets on our bed, and the second one we gave him has almost no holes in it!

Good boi got new bol! Such excite.

All dressed up! We used this photo on our wedding invitations. He wasn't allowed at the actual wedding (which would have been too stressful for him anyways), but he was still represented.

Pendragon Gets a Dog!

Be warned, the story is bittersweet and very sad before the happy ending.

My partner and I wanted a dog, but with both of us working, and my work schedule being unreliable, we knew we didn't have time to train a puppy. We decided to try to adopt an adult dog, as they're often seen as "less desirable" anyways.

Pros: personality is more developped and known beforehand
Cons: having to find someone giving up a dog

I searched online and in the local newspaper, checking rescues and classified ads for months. I'd apply and then either never hear back or be told no. It was crushing to know that I could go buy a puppy and nobody would bat an eye, but trying to be more responsible meant getting turned down so many times.

Then I met Max. Max was being fostered by our neighbour. She told me the organization, and I applied. Max, however, loved kids, and my partner and I aren't planning on having any, so that was another no. This time, though, the rescue agency came back to me with "We have another dog that would be a better fit. Are you interested?"

Hell yes I was interested.

We did the phone interview and sent pictures of our home in lieu of inspection and were cleared - we were adopting Tommy, who we'd rename Comet.

The rescue put us in touch with his foster family (in Egypt), presumably so we could find out straight from them things like what sort of toys he likes, and we could show them how well he was adjusting to life in Canada.

We were to get Comet at the airport. My partner booked the day off from work, my mother cleared her schedule to drive us, I was getting my dog.

The night before, I got a message from the foster mom: "We've made a terrible mistake, we want our dog back."

I was crushed.

Can they do that? was all I could think. Had I actually just gotten declined again?

The rescue didn't respond to the situation, so we went to the airport as planned. The rescue said it was up to us whether we kept the dog or not, but he was not going back to Egypt. We decided that yes, we would continue forward.

The family had a local friend there to pick up my dog. The friend saw us and how well-prepared we were, and saw that we waited for over 8 hours, and said we were a good fit for the dog, much better than him being sent on a plane again.

Comet came home with us.

Then the harassment started. The rescue had informed us not two days before getting Comet that he was to be on a strict raw food diet, saying it's more natural for all dogs and citing a Netflix documentary. I looked at veterinary websites, the American Kennel Club, the Canadian Kennel Club, all over the internet, and all I could find were blogs agreeing with her, and scientific reports disagreeing, so my partner and I agreed to feed the dog what the vet recommended once we got an appointment (the next day). In the meantime, one day of whatever would be fine.

Food was soon a non-issue in our eyes. I started getting upwards of forty messages a day from the foster family begging for their dog back. Meanwhile, we'd signed a contract with the rescue saying that if we didn't keep the dog, he'd go back to the rescue. Our hands were tied, but the fosters didn't accept that.

I stopped answering unknown numbers on my phone, I blocked contacts, but they would get a new friend to contact me on their behalf, and leave messages. By the time their lawyer called, I was pissed. He left a message. I called back and I told them what was going on from my perspective. The harrassment stopped. It was a miracle.

And then a letter came. I had a package to pick up.

Certified mail.

A different lawyer was threatening to sue me for stealing this dog.

We contacted the rescue. They said that nobody had contacted them, so it wasn't their problem. We asked the new lawyer to take it up with the rescue. They scheduled a phone call with me.

They tried to guilt me into breaking a contract and putting my dog on a plane, never to see him again.

I, again, told them my side of the story. They finally decided that they should talk to the rescue.

Meanwhile, my partner and I were having panic attacks every time my phone rang, or buzzed, or did anything at all. We called the rescue, tearfully, and asked them to rehome our Comet. The foster family had sent me a message asking if the could come see him, at least for a proper goodbye. We felt we were no longer safe, nor could we keep him safe.

After a few weeks of taking care of a dog I wasn't, for my own safety, allowed to keep, we met his new adoptive family and he was gone.

After a few more weeks of healing, I started looking for a dog again, but more carefully this time. My motto was "Humane Society or bust". I'd check every day. Dogs came and went quickly.

We went in for a visit to our local one, and the only option was a bonded pair of large dogs. As badly as we wanted canine companionship, we agreed that it would be an unwise decision.

I started checking the Humane Societies in other townships. A neighbouring town had a dozen or so dogs listed, so my partner took the day off from work and we went down to meet some of them. That's the day I learned that Humane Societies share names, but are not actually connected. Just because one has a bunch of cats and no dogs, doesn't mean they're all like that, and doesn't mean they'll share among themselves.

We found Eddie that day and, after about 8 hours of waiting and paperwork and waiting and meetings and waiting, brought him home.

He's adjusted very well. He likes having a choice of three couches to stretch out on during the day. He's the best behaved dog I've ever had. I can put my lunch on the couch and he'll look at it, but he won't touch unless I say ok (which I don't, because of my love of either chocolate or garlic, and his already sensitive stomach)

See, it did have a happy ending. But getting there was like reliving my divorce, and nothing I'd ever wish on another human.

Flourless Baking!

Hey all! So I've been meaning to make this post for over a month now, but I still can't get the wording quite right, so I'm just going to rampble and hopefully you'll understand.

First off, some background info that's changed. Pendragon got a dog! And got remarried! and has been fairly busy apparently... I'll add a page of pictures of my dog, as well as a proper post about him, don't worry.

And now, the reason you're here, flourless baking!

*Obligatory brownie rant* Brownies were invented accidentally by someone trying to make a flourless chocolate cake, so the fact that most brownie recipes I see these days contain flour is annoying. They're the perfect gluten-free dessert, and then we had to go and put the gluten back in?

My favourite method of gluten-free baking, as previously mentioned, is flourless baking. Now, as flour is becoming a rare commodity, I feel like it's time to make flourless baking more popular!

Here are some external links (you've been warned) to some of my favourite flourless recipes (and don't forget to check out my Gluten-Free label for internal links)

Lemon Almond Cake - I'm not sure if this one counts, as it has almond flour, but you can make almond flour by grinding almonds really well, and it has some decent tips (like how to incorporate eggs) for other cakes

Almond Cake - (no lemon) This one is more dense, almost like a cookie. One of these days I'm going to try turning it into biscotti

Peanut Butter Cookies - I think it's the same recipe as on Kraft Peanut Butter jars

Coconut Date Balls - I have this recipe in a cookbook. The only difference is mine doesn't call for a cup of sugar. Your choice whether you want it or not.

Rice Krispies Squares - Because why change a recipe that already works


Basically, if you want to make something but don't have a key ingredient, like flour, then google it, like "flourless cake". Alternatively, check out the gluten-free section for baking mixes