Why "How are you?" is a terrible greeting

I work in customer service, as a cashier. Always have, likely always will. I love it on my good days, enjoy it on my mediocre days, and try to pretend the bad days don't exist, just like everyone else.

Standardly, a good exchange goes as follows:

Cashier: Hello
Customer: Hi, how are you?
Cashier: Good, thanks, and you?
Customer: Good.

and we then proceed to stand there awkwardly as I scan things and don't talk. Or I try to make conversation about what they're buying in a completely non-judgmental way (which is not exactly easy sometimes).

It's not just at work, either. Any time a conversation is started, there's a 90% chance it's starting with "How are you?" and about an 85% chance that the asker will feel awkward if the answer isn't "good". Who wants to hear about the struggles of every person they meet?

But we always ask.

Here's why we shouldn't:

People are becoming more accepting of mental health problems, which is wonderful. I'm not sure if they're more common as well, but they're definitely more open and talked about than they used to be, which I, for one, greatly appreciate.

But, unless you actually know and care about the person you're talking to, when you ask them how they're doing, it's a formality and not an honest inquiry. And I don't say "you" to point blame in any way; I do it too.

So we ask people how they're doing, expecting the answer to be short and positive, while being aware that not everyone's doing so great.

My theory is that we do this, partially as a blind habit, but also partially to reassure ourselves that everyone else is doing alright, and the world at large is fine, even if my little corner seems to be going up in flames.

What if we stopped forcing this down our own throats?

What if we stopped telling ourselves and everyone else that life is grand when, in actual fact, it's not?

What if we allowed ourselves to admit that there's pain in the people around us, and tried to focus more on healing than acting?

Granted, not everyone's in pain all the time either, and surrounding ourselves with that idea will bring us down farther faster.

The state of random strangers' lives is too much for us to care about, is basically what I'm getting at. I heard a while back that there's more information in one newspaper today than a person a hundred or so years ago would have learned in their entire life. I have no idea how accurate this is, but it is believable. I mean, this is the Information Age. But with so much being thrown at us, we have to filter the necessary from the trivial, the interests from the irrelevant, and, when we get right down to it, the remembered from the forgotten (not that we always have much control over that).

I remember when, as a small child (5-8 years old) I was sitting in the school office, calling home because I was feeling sick. The office staff handed me the phone. My parent asked "How are you?" and I said "I'm good, you?" out of habit. At ~6 years old. Needless to say, this was met with confusion, but my point is that at a young age I'd already learned to not think about this exchange.

The actual reason I wrote this? I'm sick of having to choose, on my bad days, between being socially awkward (telling strangers that I'm really not doing well) and lying to people. It's exhausting. On a bad day, I'm doing well to make it into work due to illness. To go into work and then be asked to make that decision every couple of minutes for most of five hours (or more) is enough to drive me to tears.

I'm open to any suggestions on a replacement. "Did you find everything?" has failed due to a combination of (1) I don't know where most things are, and (2) many of our customers have been shopping with us regularly for years and know the store better than I do.

Selfless, Selfish, and Self

"Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind." ~ Dodinsky

Most people that I'm aware of agree that selfish people are assholes. That feels like an established fact.

Therefore, to not be an asshole, thou shalt be selfless. Sounds logical. I'll accept it. (for now)

Before we get any further, let's define some key terms here.

• Asshole (noun) : Someone who is unpleasant to be around
• Selfish (adj.) : To be self-centered; to be focused on your life, and to be oblivious of the lives of other people and the environment around you
• Selfless (adj.) : To consider everything and everyone that is not you to be a higher priority than yourself

Theoretically, if everyone looks out for everyone else, the system looks like it should work, right? Everyone's being looked out for. Everyone's covered. No-one's an asshole.

Except.

*gasp*

Except.

It doesn't work.

Why? Possibly because a couple of assholes spoil it for everyone. Possibly because nobody can focus on literally everyone, so someone is probably getting more looked-after than someone else.

Possibly because nobody knows what you need quite like you do.

If someone is hungry, typically they feel it. Their stomach likely aches. It may grumble a bit, but that could also be the digestive process saying "seriously, what did you just eat?" If I'm hungry, you don't know unless I tell you.

But then I have to talk about myself and my needs and not be focused in on yours. Then I'm not being selfless.

You may be jumping ahead here, saying it's not a binary option but a scale. I'm going to keep talking like it's a binary option. Things are more easily discussed when black and white. The colour will come soon though, I promise.

We need to be selfish in order to adequately take care of ourselves. We need to be in tune with ourselves and what we need in order to meet those needs. We need to meet those needs in order to have the ability to help other people meet their needs as well. We need to help each other be selfish so that we can all have what it takes to be selfless.

Picture a scale (the type used as a symbol for justice (or libra, if you're into zodiac)). Too much selfishness and you're an asshole. Too much selflessness and you're depleted. But then, if you take away the framework that holds up either side, who knows which side weighs more?

The framework is self-awareness, closely associated with mindfulness. It's the ability to discern which of your desires are wants versus needs, and what, of other peoples' struggles, you can take on and help with.

Once you have the framework, keeping the scales even is a simple matter of paying attention. Building the framework takes effort, yes. And I'm not saying that taking care of your needs are the only time you're allowed to be selfish. There are basic human needs (food, shelter, water, etc.) but then there are also the more complex needs that vary from person to person, such as alone time, social time, down time. Some people need to feel accomplished. Some people need to be able to relax. Some people need to be able to talk about things, others need to be able to think about things without talking. These are still needs that must be met in order to be refreshed and ready to help.

Let's face it: if you're drained, then you have nothing left to give, and all you can do is take, and then you start to drain others.

If you need to rely on other people to meet your needs, you might not have the ability to reciprocate.

If you're too selfless, you'll become selfish. And selfish people are assholes.